I never thought when I wanted children at a young age, that it would mean I felt lonely. But on days like this that’s all I feel.
Lying on my bed this morning while the kids play I can’t help but feel a bit down. They are now getting to the age where they don’t need me for every second of every day, but at the same time their mum is all I am for the 4.5 days a week I’m not a work.
Don’t get me wrong I love them dearly and I wouldn’t take them back, but there are times where I feel cut off because I chose to have them. We don’t earn a lot of money so my husband and I share the working week 4.5:2.5 but that means that between us we are working 7 days, and the little time that we are together he is frankly either sleeping or Xboxing. I never realised when we talked about bringing up a child together that it would be more like a tag team.
I envy people who have a large circle of mummy friends, or people who’s kids have lots of close cousins growing up together. It would be nice to feel included and to have connections.
I have two close friends that I’ve known since school, both nearly 30 but neither have children. I can’t help but feel I would see them more if I didn’t either. I have another friend who has a child the same age as my son and that sounds great you would think but our kids do not get on, so I never feel I can arrange to meet up. A tad awkward.
Then there’s school. My mum always says why don’t you make friends with people at school. I did, I made friends with a girls mum at my daughters nursery, then she went to a different school and we hardly see her now. All the other parents of my children’s friends are older than me, so it makes it really hard to find things in common.
I have a brother who has moved away but he is 4 years younger with no children on the horizon. So I don’t really see much of him, you could get away with maybe the two of us going to visit but with two children in tow I can imagine he wouldn’t be as keen to put us up.
It’s times like these I miss having a sister. The closest I have is my sister in law who is around my age, has children a similar age to mine, but who also lives nearly 2 hours away.
Even with all the people in my life, when I look at my life I just see me and two children (yes even though I’m married). I feel isolated and sometimes I feel sad. Me and the children have a great time together but I also feel I’ve lost part of me because I’m not able to be a part of the world I used to inhabit. I seem to be the odd one out in my own life.
Maybe this doesn’t make sense. Maybe I brought it on myself but I’d like to think I’m not the only one who feels like this sometimes…
Thanks for listening